


i'm sorry to have put you through a lifetime of dedications that you never desired

by Anonymous



Series: regret and pain [1]
Category: Blur (Band), Suede (Band)
Genre: Bad Decisions, M/M, Multi, OOC?, Pedophilia, age gap relationship? legal in the uk but she was 17, eh kinda weirdchamp, healthy mix of jealousy and concern, in case that is hard for u, never written britpop before so, oomfs don't find this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-17
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:48:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27062920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: "Lyrics not to be printed on cover of single in case his mother reads it. '16 tears', obviously paedophilic!""Whatever I did on Stay Together was the A to Z of the emotions I was experiencing... defiance, loss, a final sigh."- Bernard Butler on Stay Together."It's possible of course that subconsciously the title was a plea to Bernard." - Brett Anderson on Stay Together.From everything between Brett Anderson and Bernard Butler, the worst was probably its end. Of the kind of bitter jealousy that brings a man down, the fear of communicating in the wrong sort of way, and of Stay Together. Set in 1994.
Relationships: Brett Anderson/Anick, Brett Anderson/Bernard Butler, Damon Albarn/Justine Frischmann
Series: regret and pain [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2129235
Kudos: 4
Collections: anonymous





	i'm sorry to have put you through a lifetime of dedications that you never desired

**Author's Note:**

  * For [myself because im so sexy](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=myself+because+im+so+sexy).



> don't judge this too hard

Typical love is quite strange, and atypical love is awfully predictable. 

He'd seen his.... friend? Could they call themselves friends at this point? Either way, his friend had become infatuated with this girl. Girl. Not a woman, not someone on the level of a pretentious late twenty-something with a burning desire to prove himself and evade falling from grace, but a girl. A seventeen year old, to be exact.

He wasn't one to judge - well, he was, since he'd felt the disgust rise in his throat like acid and attempt to cleanse itself through escaping his body - nevertheless he was at his wit's end.

The burning hum of jealousy was boiling over into his work, really. Creative ruts were often difficult, and it felt easy to turn the single into a Suede cliché. The simplest things can convey the most complex, if attempted hard enough. All that Stay Together seemed to convey was how pathetic they'd both become. 

The invidious process of songwriting tended to shoot them both in the foot, and stomp on them rhythmically while they lay together on the floor of mutual infelicity. A cacophony of banshees' screeches may well have been cracking his ears open when he heard his companion's vocals. Paradigms existed to be shifted, whether that would be the effective choice or not was debatable, but he wanted to cause a scene. Keeping Brett on the edge of making a decision on anything then pulling him away was a part of the thrill. 

Although, to be honest with himself, Bernard wasn't as malicious as he thought. In the end, he just needed a break from it all, and something to rid himself of the irregular thump in his chest when he thought of them.  
He was convinced he was to be betrayed. As far as he knew, the world is kill or be killed. He wouldn't let some... pseudo-intellectual former partner strike the match and set their relationship ablaze. 

It began with resentment. Hate is a stronger form of love. What is showing intense, raging feelings buried beneath a veneer if they are not hate, or love, or both? Staying felt increasingly difficult, yet it was a statement of strength. He would let it ignite for months, littering each interaction with another complacent jab, only to withdraw within and find an inch of self hatred raising itself into something that radiated his expression, and had to be rid of. 

The best sorts of love are the ones tragic and lost - not a girl and a grown man together. Ones that are not declared, but glances after hearing the lyrics of a song that was slightly too homoerotic, glances turning into something more. Ones that are not photographed, but recorded as something laced and tipped with discord. 

When they merged, the lines were blurry and muddled - raw and primal emotion through hushed eyes and deafening frowns: poetic only to those who saw the words written and simply knew. 

-

Bernard had this ability to rile people up and retreat to the four walls and confining echo chamber of his own mind afterwards. This was an ability he wasn't so self aware of, and Brett fell for each carefully placed snipe each time: his humanity and ego getting the best of him, and seeing something familiar in the way Bernard only allowed any sort of emotion out in these horrifically deplorable ways made Brett's hair stand on end and mouth open to retort. By that time, Bernard would have moved into his own mind, unaware of his strange communication's harm on another's. 

Brett sighed. Desperation was the word that came to him - for all his grandiloquence, there were no bombastic ways to display their relationship other than missed-mark allegories and violently piteous strings. 

Seeing Damon and Justine... didn't help him either. Thick unmistakable tension rose in the recording room, with Bernard's paranoia rising, so did Brett's fear of anything that came in his way. Youth was a funny thing, and it led them to mysterious forms of expression - a simple tapping rhythm could mean the world to a young man. The utter failure to convey what was meant to be told, and in turn creating something beautifully nothing - nothing to be drawn from and thus everything - told so much about their world, he thought. 

Stay Together felt like a desperate letter, at this point. Brett convinced himself the parallels were merely subconscious; of course this song was about his girlfriend. Who else would it be about? Of course it wouldn't be about who led him to a fork in the road - an ultimatum of despair, where remaining together may satisfy his desires, but his ego would yearn for something larger. 

Some relationships are not worth sacrificing the self for, he told himself. Bernard was going to leave soon, and he decided he wouldn't stop him.


End file.
